Final days

As you know, I spent last weekend seeing my grandma one last time before she went home to be with Jesus. I don't feel like expounding much, it was a private time and all at once cathartic and painfully heartbreaking. however, I have to share a few videos and pictures.
My Grandma has a malignant brain tumor right behind her eyes, and as it grows she diminishes. Its hard to accept and see God's grace there, but then...
When I first saw her she was disoriented and rambling, I was shocked to say the least. I hadn't realized how much the tumor had taken from her already. She would get increasingly agitated and repeat things over and over, almost as if she had early dementia. But one thing I remembered as I sat there holding her hand, trying to find my Grandma that I knew, is that she loved to wake up every morning with my grandfather and sing worship songs to Jesus and pray...so I asked her if I could sing to her. And as we sang, her mind came back, her smile came back, the anxious rambling ceased and there was a sweet tangible presence of God that said, "I'm still here, I still care, I haven't forsaken her now."
Those songs, the same three, will probably always have the ability to bring tears to my eyes now because of their meaning to me and my time with her. To see my mama hold her mama, tears in her eyes and praising Jesus, it hurt so badly and brought such peace at the same time. God has loved my Grandma, and in her last days, he hasn't left her, his presence hasn't gone, if anything He's more present than ever. Its speaking his word, speaking to Him, worshiping Him that brings peace to her...and I am so grateful I got to see that, and feel the love of an amazing God so tangibly near me.
I love you mama, and I love you Nanan Biha...Hu Guaiya hao.

(sorry my video is a little blurry and hard to hear, it is basically me praying for my Grandma before I said goodbye for the final time, I don't want to forget it)

The Mailey bird has left the nest

Monday was Mailey's first day of kindergarten. I knew it would be a weird letting go feeling, but our lives are hectic, everyday is sort of this rat race to the finish line. I mean seriously, sometimes I feel like we never ever stop, even my dreams can get scattered and fast paced...so, I knew this day was coming but I hadn't really thought about how quickly it was approaching.And then suddenly, as if magic sprinkled itself over the time I thought I had, we were at the very last weekend before I handed Mailey over to be taught by someone else. A complete stranger in fact. And after that first day, she would be riding the bus to school...such an eerie feeling watching her walk onto that big yellow bus...I wanted so bad to take her to and from every day, but her school is about 16 minutes away, and so we really couldn't afford to drive it twice daily...so with much trepidation I signed that little form...and with huge tears in my eyes walked her onto that bus at seven thirty Tuesday morning and begged the driver to be safe...she probably thought I was paranoid..which I am...but back to that first day...
I got her ready for bed early, which was new, our bed time has been a hopeful nine thirty area...but now that she would need to be ready by 7:20am, our new bedtime was 8pm sharp...so, we hurriedly took bath's, laid out the first little outfit, said a prayer, took a video, then it was night nights and the morning came too soon.
I got up early that day, and prayed for Mailey and really, for me. Was I ready to do this? I dressed the little sleepy head, made blueberry waffles, and we were off to get daddy so he could come too.
Mailey was accepted into one of the most established and sought after charter schools in our county. Forest Ranch Charter. Its a school that really just adheres to a very traditional educational structure, the three R's if you know what I mean. So I couldn't have been more excited, because I don't about you, but I really am not structured enough or patient enough to home school our children.

So, we walked her in and watched as she lined up with her class outside for the very first morning assembly outside. My little girl put her right hand over her heart and said the pledge of Allegiance, she watched intently as the director explained the school year and my heart literally was aching. I was prepared to feel sad, but I was NOT prepared for the intensity of this one emotion that was tugging and piercing my heart...remorse.
I was filled with this deep sadness and longing to go back five years...and just soak her up and capture, really capture and experience each moment.
Had I loved her enough? Had I been patient enough? Did I cherish her while she was still only mine? I don't feel like I did...our lives here have been crazy, I had three in three years, and so inevitably my oldest was pushed to be the example, pushed to learn the rules, pushed to kind of grow up quickly so mommy could deal with the babies that were behind her.
I was watching my still-so-little, Mailey Anne; watching her soak in this new thing, her eyes deep in concentration, her little mind grasping new rules and concepts and I wanted to grab her and run, run far back into time and start over. I wanted to beg God, "please, give me the last year back and I promise I 'll really enjoy her, I won't be so needy for a break from them, I won't tell her to just give me some space, I'll snuggle all day, I'll make cookies and sing songs, I'll let the house go to bunk and just play and make daisy chains, I promise I will, please just give me another year!"
But the cruelty of time, is that it is ever marching forward without one mistaken pause, not a single accidental hiccup, just a constant forward march that leaves us pining and hoping for a chance to reverse it.

Mailey, I hope I did enough. I hope you knew you were loved so much. I hope you had fun while I was still your only teacher. I hope beyond hope....
because now, like water, I see you, all baby's hair and dimpled elbows, slipping through my desperate grasp. Now someone else gets to influence you, and now you come home and I feel you changing. For five years you were only mine to mold and its breaking mama's heart to let that go. But its good for you, good for you to play with other kids, good for you to learn how to sit still, good for you to not constantly be with mommy who doesn't have the ability to just focus on you...its been good for all of us. But I miss you, I miss you so much...I can't explain it very well, but I found this picture that really says what I'm feeling..

My first born...the one who knows what my heart sounds like best. Because after all, you were my first everything. I learned how to really love with you, I learned how to sacrifice everything with you, I learned how to be so loved back with you. I learned how to stop and breath with you, I learned how to be silly and let adulthood go with you, I learned how to dream and imagine with you. First you. Just you. 

See you soon love.

-mama

That is just a quick little video montage of all the clips we took of Mailey's first big day, for the next week I will post one entire clip daily...