I got her ready for bed early, which was new, our bed time has been a hopeful nine thirty area...but now that she would need to be ready by 7:20am, our new bedtime was 8pm sharp...so, we hurriedly took bath's, laid out the first little outfit, said a prayer, took a video, then it was night nights and the morning came too soon.
I got up early that day, and prayed for Mailey and really, for me. Was I ready to do this? I dressed the little sleepy head, made blueberry waffles, and we were off to get daddy so he could come too.
Mailey was accepted into one of the most established and sought after charter schools in our county. Forest Ranch Charter. Its a school that really just adheres to a very traditional educational structure, the three R's if you know what I mean. So I couldn't have been more excited, because I don't about you, but I really am not structured enough or patient enough to home school our children.
So, we walked her in and watched as she lined up with her class outside for the very first morning assembly outside. My little girl put her right hand over her heart and said the pledge of Allegiance, she watched intently as the director explained the school year and my heart literally was aching. I was prepared to feel sad, but I was NOT prepared for the intensity of this one emotion that was tugging and piercing my heart...remorse.
I was filled with this deep sadness and longing to go back five years...and just soak her up and capture, really capture and experience each moment.
Had I loved her enough? Had I been patient enough? Did I cherish her while she was still only mine? I don't feel like I did...our lives here have been crazy, I had three in three years, and so inevitably my oldest was pushed to be the example, pushed to learn the rules, pushed to kind of grow up quickly so mommy could deal with the babies that were behind her.
I was watching my still-so-little, Mailey Anne; watching her soak in this new thing, her eyes deep in concentration, her little mind grasping new rules and concepts and I wanted to grab her and run, run far back into time and start over. I wanted to beg God, "please, give me the last year back and I promise I 'll really enjoy her, I won't be so needy for a break from them, I won't tell her to just give me some space, I'll snuggle all day, I'll make cookies and sing songs, I'll let the house go to bunk and just play and make daisy chains, I promise I will, please just give me another year!"
But the cruelty of time, is that it is ever marching forward without one mistaken pause, not a single accidental hiccup, just a constant forward march that leaves us pining and hoping for a chance to reverse it.
Mailey, I hope I did enough. I hope you knew you were loved so much. I hope you had fun while I was still your only teacher. I hope beyond hope....
because now, like water, I see you, all baby's hair and dimpled elbows, slipping through my desperate grasp. Now someone else gets to influence you, and now you come home and I feel you changing. For five years you were only mine to mold and its breaking mama's heart to let that go. But its good for you, good for you to play with other kids, good for you to learn how to sit still, good for you to not constantly be with mommy who doesn't have the ability to just focus on you...its been good for all of us. But I miss you, I miss you so much...I can't explain it very well, but I found this picture that really says what I'm feeling..
My first born...the one who knows what my heart sounds like best. Because after all, you were my first everything. I learned how to really love with you, I learned how to sacrifice everything with you, I learned how to be so loved back with you. I learned how to stop and breath with you, I learned how to be silly and let adulthood go with you, I learned how to dream and imagine with you. First you. Just you.
See you soon love.
-mama
That is just a quick little video montage of all the clips we took of Mailey's first big day, for the next week I will post one entire clip daily...
