Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Hush a bye..Don't you cry...
My sleep is haunted. It's haunted with horrifying nightmares about Mailey. On saturday I dreamt that it was storming outside...positively storming and I was trying to deal with the baby and Mailey and Emry were supposed to be in the bath. All of the sudden I realized the front door was open so I panicked. I laid Reagan down on the carpet and ran outside but my babies were no where to be seen...I looked across the parking lot to where there is a creek that flows and saw Emry, naked, staring down into the water and my heart started beating out of my chest. I ran so fast to the creek and I knew Mailey was in there, I could see bubbles coming up...I begged Emry not to move and ran in and immediately felt Mailey around my feet in the water. I yanked her up and she was blue but in my dream my mind simply could not wrap itself around what was happening so she began to cough because my conscious self could not handle the dream...I grabbed her and Emry and began to run and run for what seemed like an eternity back to my apartment where Reagan lay crying, and then I tried to call John and I was crying to hard to tell him..and then I woke up.
When I woke up my whole heart physically hurt. I thought I was having a heart attack I couldn't even breathe. I knew it was just a dream but still...so as every mother has done and will do, I got up at 3 in the morning and watched my babies sleep because I could not. I ran my hands through Mailey's hair, I listened to her breathe, I prayed for her, I counted her fingers and toes, I memorized her face...and then convinced myself sleep was an option. it wasn't. I layed in bed awake, hurting and tormented until Reagan woke up at 6:30am.
I dreamt a family took Mailey away from me, and I went to their house and I could see her through a big glass door and she was panicking, crying, begging for me. Her hands were on mine, separated by that glass door..the family pretended I wasn't there and I cried and cried. Finally (this is random) Dan McMillan walked by and I begged him to tell them they had my child, but he couldn't remember what Mailey looked like so he had to leave...
I woke up. Angry.
This happened last fall, right when we got here, right as God was starting to move, I had horrible nightmares about bad things happening to my kids. The devil is such a cheap shot, he hits below the belt and his blows hurt. bad.
The only thing I could ever not handle losing, are my children. Take everything. Take every single thing, hurt me, hurt my house my money...but my children? thats where I falter.
And now the nightmares are back. pray for me. nothing can make me close up and want to run back home than feeling that terrible fear, that impossible worry that something may happen to them if I continue to do this.
pray pray pray. because sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.