Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Hush a bye..Don't you cry...

My sleep is haunted. It's haunted with horrifying nightmares about Mailey. On saturday I dreamt that it was storming outside...positively storming and I was trying to deal with the baby and Mailey and Emry were supposed to be in the bath. All of the sudden I realized the front door was open so I panicked. I laid Reagan down on the carpet and ran outside but my babies were no where to be seen...I looked across the parking lot to where there is a creek that flows and saw Emry, naked, staring down into the water and my heart started beating out of my chest. I ran so fast to the creek and I knew Mailey was in there, I could see bubbles coming up...I begged Emry not to move and ran in and immediately felt Mailey around my feet in the water. I yanked her up and she was blue but in my dream my mind simply could not wrap itself around what was happening so she began to cough because my conscious self could not handle the dream...I grabbed her and Emry and began to run and run for what seemed like an eternity back to my apartment where Reagan lay crying, and then I tried to call John and I was crying to hard to tell him..and then I woke up.
When I woke up my whole heart physically hurt. I thought I was having a heart attack I couldn't even breathe. I knew it was just a dream but as every mother has done and will do, I got up at 3 in the morning and watched my babies sleep because I could not. I ran my hands through Mailey's hair, I listened to her breathe, I prayed for her, I counted her fingers and toes, I memorized her face...and then convinced myself sleep was an option. it wasn't. I layed in bed awake, hurting and tormented until Reagan woke up at 6:30am.
I dreamt a family took Mailey away from me, and I went to their house and I could see her through a big glass door and she was panicking, crying, begging for me. Her hands were on mine, separated by that glass door..the family pretended I wasn't there and I cried and cried. Finally (this is random) Dan McMillan walked by and I begged him to tell them they had my child, but he couldn't remember what Mailey looked like so he had to leave...
I woke up. Angry.
This happened last fall, right when we got here, right as God was starting to move, I had horrible nightmares about bad things happening to my kids. The devil is such a cheap shot, he hits below the belt and his blows hurt. bad.
The only thing I could ever not handle losing, are my children. Take everything. Take every single thing, hurt me, hurt my house my money...but my children? thats where I falter.
And now the nightmares are back. pray for me. nothing can make me close up and want to run back home than feeling that terrible fear, that impossible worry that something may happen to them if I continue to do this.
pray pray pray. because sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

"An astrologers song".- Rudyard Kipling

To the Heavens above us
O look and behold
The Planets that love us
All harnessed in gold!
What chariots, what horses
Against us shall bide
While the Stars in their courses
Do fight on our side?
All thought, all desires,
That are under the sun,
Are one with their fires,
As we also are one:
All matter, all spirit,
All fashion, all frame,
Receive and inherit
Their strength from the same.
(Oh, man that deniest
All power save thine own,
Their power in the highest
Is mightily shown.
Not less in the lowest
That power is made clear.
Oh, man, if thou knowest,
What treasure is here!)
Earth quakes in her throes
And we wonder for why!
But the blind planet knows
When her ruler is nigh;
And, attuned since Creation
To perfect accord,
She thrills in her station
And yearns to her Lord.
The waters have risen,
The springs are unbound--
The floods break their prison,
And ravin around.
No rampart withstands 'em,
Their fury will last,
Till the Sign that commands 'em
Sinks low or swings past.
Through abysses unproven
And gulfs beyond thought,
Our portion is woven,
Our burden is brought.
Yet They that prepare it,
Whose Nature we share,
Make us who must bear it
Well able to bear.
Though terrors o'ertake us
We'll not be afraid.
No power can unmake us
Save that which has made.
Nor yet beyond reason
Or hope shall we fall--
All things have their season,
And Mercy crowns all!
Then, doubt not, ye fearful--
The Eternal is King--
Up, heart, and be cheerful,
And lustily sing:--
What chariots, what horses
Against us shall bide
While the Stars in their courses
Do fight on our side?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

There is great reversal...

"There is a great reversal coming...where are all the might haves, will be. all the sadness will be made untrue...this goes beyond the glory and absolute joy of knowing this is not the end and that heaven awaits us; this goes beyond, because heaven, coming to earth, to turn back all the hands of history"
-Pastor K.Foley

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tortilla soup...

I've been fighting a stuffy annoying cold for awhile now...and this soup was JUST the thing to help, spicy, brothy, salty...warm...mmmm...and so easy!
Chicken tortilla soup

3-4 boneless skinless chicken breast
2 cans mexican salsa (like the brand pictured
1/2t ground cumin
1t cayenne pepper
2T chicken bouillon
Juice of 2 limes or about 2T
1C sweet corn
sour cream
diced tomatoes
tortilla chips
shredded colby jack cheese
Hot sauce

Either leave the chicken in a crockpot for six hours or boil it until you can shred it. Have enough water to just cover the chicken.
Once the chicken is ready, shred it up.
In a small saucepan saute the two cans of salsa until its aromatic..about 2 min
Add salsa to chicken
Add the rest of the ingredients. Adding more cayenne and chicken bouillon to taste.

Garnish with cheese, sour cream, avacado, tomatoes and chips and hot sauce.

We three...

CH-CH-CHECK IT OUT!!!! We (my sisters and I) have started a blog about our friendship etc..its...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Matryoshka template!

I found these templates at THIS wonderful blog and thought I'd share. I love love love, matryoshka dolls. Matryoshka's are those adorable little russian,painted nesting dolls, where you find one inside of the other, inside of the other, inside of the other etc...a muslim's dream ha. These templates are for a "to-do" list and labels! Just click on the pictures and save the images and get to making awesome fun! send me a pic if you use them! I'd love to see how cute they look since I highly doubt my own ability to print them out anytime soon.

Friday, April 16, 2010

If there were no words...

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik

Oh that quote made my heart absolutely ache. Its an odd ache, its an emotion thats both sweet and chagrined. I have been married for 5 years today, April 17th. Can you hardly stand it?! He loved me another year...I loved him back with all my might.
During conference, my father in law preached about how if you would've asked him,where he thought he would be in 5 years, when he first got saved; he’d never have guessed the enormity of what actually happened.
5 years ago, if you would've asked me where I saw us in 5 years? I would've said," maybe we'd have a baby, we'd probably be getting into ministry..." and I would've been so wrong! In five years we have become the parents to three little wonders, we're pioneering our own church...I NEVER in all my life, would have been able to correctly see where those vows would’ve taken me.
I married the person who makes my life make sense. The longer I know John, the more sure I am, that I was born, I EXIST, because of my purpose alongside him. This life deals some excruciating blows, and its hard to really feel safe in the travails of living...even salvation can be murky..not that Jesus is clouded or his love confused, but it’s a thing of fear and trembling and sometimes it requires a healthy amount of reverent awe and chastisement...but my marriage… this deep deep friendship; it’s the safest place on earth for me. It’s like my big chair and fireplace, where I can hunker down and hide from everything that scares me...and sometimes I'm very scared. but I've never, ever wondered if it was safe to let the chaff and grain which is my crazy personality, fall into the heart of John...I have always known, that he will indeed gently dismiss the chaff and see the few grains that are there and love every single thing I have to give....
oh my heart aches.
I love you John.
happy anniversary to me. to us. to you.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Fashionistas part deux...REVISED

So I got these "sunglasses" at target for a buck..oh the joys of cheap fun. The girls have had a jolly good time playing with them..although I must admit I'm doing a mental countdown until they break. My guess is next week is D-day. Here they are in their swim suits, don't ask me why they're wearing them; its pouring outside and gray as sin...ha..i feel like using all my old lady phrases today if you don't mind. (and a picture of Rea, just for kicks)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Mailey prayed tonight...

"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express."
- Joseph Addison

Thursday, April 1, 2010

From the mouth of little rascals...

(after being told to stop doing something by daddy)
Mai: "I don't listen to words, I only listen to God."
uh....ha! how do you argue with that? sheesh.

(at a full barnes and nobles bathroom)
Emry: Mama! You have a chubby wubby bupp like me!
Mom: Emry! shh...goodness
Emry: chubby wubby, chubby wubby least I will always have my ego in check should it ever decide to indulge itself.

OBAMA IS MY HERO!...april fools!!! gahahahaha