Sunday, June 6, 2010


I am taking a hiatus from my blog...its a long story. I started my blog, because I felt like I was failing horribly at everything. Failing at being a good mother, a good wife, a good Christian..everything. And I thought, maybe If I post things, i'll feel more pressure to be better to have good things to talk about. make sense? And so I would blog away, but see, its all a big fat silly lie. I would post and post trying I guess to fit in with the blogging crowd, I so want to be that mother that does so many cool things with her kids, never loses her temper, makes lovely meals, has a well kept home and is a phenomenal Christian above all else. But I'm not. Really, I'm not. I had to smile the other day when I read Patti Rice's post about how she feels bad when she reads this other womans post, because it makes her feel like she's paling in comparison..well everytime I read her blog, I get that same, wow...ten kids, one with special needs, and she pulls off so much, and so flawlessly...what is my excuse?!
I don't have one. All I know, is that sometimes, pioneering can really take the wind out of your sails. I got married five years ago, four months after that I was pregnant with our first child, 9 months after she was born, I was pregnant with our second, 21 months after she was born, we were being sent to Chico, and I was five months pregnant with our third. And I feel like all those years of putting off the things I wanted to do (sewing, crafting, singing) and all those years of chaos, have suddenly snuck up behind me and started whispering, "look at all you've missed out on". Its disgusting, I know this life I have is absolutely the most incredible thing I could wish for. But sometimes....sometimes, when life is absolutely going crazy, and I feel like I suck at it all, I think, "I'm only twenty four, and our marriage has been in this perpetual forward speed race, and...I wish I could just go back to no kids sometimes."
Does that confession make you cringe? It makes me. Unfortunately its been a persistent thought though...and I need to re gather myself I think. Come to terms with this crazy life and let my mind and soul wrap itself around the definitiveness of it all. That this is INDEED my life henceforth, and it will be insane and perpetually fast and not the slow lazy days of living, that those not in ministry can be granted. This is my life. God has called me to it, and I have chosen it. So now, I must give myself to it.
Does any of this make sense?
Basically, I've been struggling. And that didn't come out in my blog, which made me think, is blogging just vanity? This sort of boasting of networking sorts? Look how good a mum I am? Look at what I wife I am? I think it was for me, it was me trying to look like I had it all together, and I don't. And I don't want to be that person, I want people to hear ME in my life, not what I hope to be, or WHO I'm trying to become, but just hear where I'm at. I think, hearing that someone else isn't doing perfectly, helps everyone around sort of sigh a great big relieved sigh of "good, I'm not the only one barely treading water around here."
God Is a good good God, and I haven't been giving him enough of my, I will take my blogging bow for now, and begin to fight this personal battle, and when I feel like I'm at a better place, and I can indeed be that good mother, sweet wife, happy Sophie that I know I can be...I will return with stories of pioneering, (we have a building!) and pictures of darling little rug rats, and all sorts of things. But now, my mind is cluttered and my heart is a little broken with the realization that I may never get to do those things I would've done, had I never had children or gone off to pioneer a church. And so in that, I must redirect my dreams and let Gods plan for me, become a joyful, happy dream of mine. Not one that makes me cry with its heaviness, and fills me with a horrible self pity for not being able to just worry about myself. Somehow, I must fall in love with the chaos and uncertainty of what I am doing, and let myself fall into the arms of a very gracious God. And right now, I'm sort of dragging my feet in the sand, and barely making an effort, and thats wrong. So off I go...I'll return. Thats a promise.
(here's some pics for fun)


Anne of Alamo said...

next time you come to my house, please look at the sewing basket-it is my
yeah right you suck basket!
my keep me humble chick - you can't do anything basket.
you look at the bottom and see the clothes my children in loving trust lay in there so mom can sew on a button, or fix a hem, or take in a bit...the bottom ones, they have grown out of...and the top items mock me as I walk by them!
I am looking at my old pink cell phone with all the scratches and broken camera lens, waiting for it to ring, with your area code! :) ♥

ha ha
the word verification is illan made me giggle, cause girl, you be illan!

Patti said...

oh dear, i hope i didn't set a wrong example before you in blogging! my bloggy is cuz I have lived away from my parents and sister for 15 years, and my brother and his wife and kids for the same...and Sam's 2 brothers and sister and it felt like nobody knew our kids, and this has been the best way to stay connected. I just don't have time to chat on the phone with all of them, or constantly email each family member with pics of our kids, so blogging is a great solution. It really is just for them, and then other people came along for the ride!
So I HOPE I haven't falsely portrayed myself to have it all together! I certainly take breaks from blogging when things get too crazy around here, so more power to you, girl!
You are a hero simply by following your husband, and obeying God's call..don't let the devil sucker punch you with any guilt!! Your reward is in Heaven (I know you know this!) and only time will tell what a great investment you've made by sacrificing self.
Love you, Sophie!!
P.s. Hey, MY word verification is "skype"- now there's a great way to stay in touch!:)

Leah said...

Hi - You don't know me, but I know your in-laws and Jeremy and Alma, Patti and name is Leah and I'm a daughter of a Prescott original couple - Kathy and Steve.

I stopped over here after Steph linked to your blog. I've seen it a few times in the past, but I've never commented.

After reading your heartfelt, honest post I thought I'd drop a comment of encouragement (hopefully you find it so).

A memory of myself as a young mother of three kids maybe about 3,3 and a baby that came just before our 5th wedding anniversary came to mind. My house was a mess at times, afternoon naps were my salvation and I wondered why I wasn't the "perfect" mom getting up early to pray and keeping my house in awesome order... when I asked an older sister in the Prescott congregation about when to pray she just told me, "Why don't you ask God? Take it to him in prayer and ask him to show you what will work for your life."

I did that and it worked. What became my striving for perfection may not have been what everyone else was doing, but it began to work for me. I learned a lot in those early years about caring for my family, keeping a clean house, staying involved in ministry and finding time for personal devotions.

I've by no means reached perfection, but I know that a peace has entered my life as I've striven to just do what God wants of me in my current situation - no matter what everyone else is doing.

I blog mainly to keep long distance friends and family up to date on the goings on in our family. I also have a health blog that is just about me and my personal struggles with weight - it's more of a journal of sorts.

Your blog is yours and if you need the break to focus on God and home that's great; however, if you want to use it to update and to let out some feelings please know that is normal and fine as well. You're not alone in your walk of early married life/child bearing/christianity and you know you're apart of something wonderful in our fellowship of pioneers and pillars.

Hang in there...just keep doing just what you know pleases God and everything else will fall into place...all in due time! Psalms 37:4 is one of my favorites...He knows what you need and desire and will help you achieve it!

Take care and God bless!

Kelly Marin said...

Hi Sophia, I'm another friend of a friend who found your blog. I was reading your latest blog wanting to cry and and also remembering those same feelings that you are writing about. See I've grown up in this fellowship my whole life, my parents pastored from the time I was 8. I was married at 18 had 4 kids before I was 30 and am pioneering here in ca. So I know the pressure of making everything look so awesome and having it all put together at least on the outside, but there are times especially when we first started pioneering I have thought "Am I saved?" "Are my kids going to hate me when they grow up" "Am I a good enough wife? Pastor's wife?" When nobody comes to church I think Hmm..wonder if its cause I don't measure up. SO in my old age of 34 I'm learning some things. Number one the devil is such a stinking liar He takes all of our frailties and weakness and pumps them up and beats us over the head with them. Pioneering is hard work, somebody said it has its very high Highs and its extremely low LOws. All I can say is one day we will be in Heaven and all of our sacrifices will be rewarded by the ONE who makes it worth it all. Yes God is Good and it is an icredible privilage. Second being a good mom looks so easy but its also work sometimes, We all do things that make us seem like failures, but I can think of times I've reacted rather harshly to my kids and they still love me.
And yes Introspection is good and God does bring us to places in our lives where we do have to take a good long hard look at our lives and motives and come before him and beg him to help us. But God loves us so much he hears our cry. Some of my favorite verses are the ones that talk about Him collecting our tears in a bottle, I must have Gallons up there in Heaven. Ps 126 5-6 has been my favorite verse this last year becouse I think its a perfect picture of pioneers . So anyway I hope I haven't bored you with my little comment that turned into a book. I understand the struggle and I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and I can't wait until you blog again:)
Kelly Marin

Stephanie said...

Ok Sophie dear.....I guess it's my turn but after all that has been said - there's not much more to be said except what a few wise ladies and my mom told me...."you are doing a great job and the reason we know you are doing a great job is because you care enough to think you aren't doing a good job". I've been praying a lot and thinking of you a lot because, honestly, I am going through some of the same mind battles you laid out in your post. HOWEVER, I am not currently pioneering AND I have about 10 years of "life" experience on me. I can't imagine being in your shoes when I was 24, and what you are doing is HARD. I am realizing that this wife/mommy thing is a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I am realizing though that we each have to do what works for US not for everyone else. I don't know if you remember last year when I dropped ALL of my "extra" ministries to really concentrate on what was my real priority and so you taking the time to really understand all that God wants to speak to you is a GREAT idea, but of course I will miss your whitty, sarcastic, and funny just-a crack-a me up!!!! Know that we are praying for you guys and you'll make it through!!! We love ya!!! And as a little side note - I really have some great friends!!! Leah and Kelly are both old time friends of mine and they both are very caring and wise people. I think Patti can attest to that too. We are all in this together and we all care about what happens to each other.

aly win said...

i love you so much. i often pray for God to give me the courage abilities and opportunities to do what you are doing soph ... like you look up to patty ... i look up to you. I look forward to more pictures and stories when you are ready!
xo- al