I am taking a hiatus from my blog...its a long story. I started my blog, because I felt like I was failing horribly at everything. Failing at being a good mother, a good wife, a good Christian..everything. And I thought, maybe If I post things, i'll feel more pressure to be better to have good things to talk about. make sense? And so I would blog away, but see, its all a big fat silly lie. I would post and post trying I guess to fit in with the blogging crowd, I so want to be that mother that does so many cool things with her kids, never loses her temper, makes lovely meals, has a well kept home and is a phenomenal Christian above all else. But I'm not. Really, I'm not. I had to smile the other day when I read Patti Rice's post about how she feels bad when she reads this other womans post, because it makes her feel like she's paling in comparison..well everytime I read her blog, I get that same feeling..like, wow...ten kids, one with special needs, and she pulls off so much, and so flawlessly...what is my excuse?!
I don't have one. All I know, is that sometimes, pioneering can really take the wind out of your sails. I got married five years ago, four months after that I was pregnant with our first child, 9 months after she was born, I was pregnant with our second, 21 months after she was born, we were being sent to Chico, and I was five months pregnant with our third. And now...now I feel like all those years of putting off the things I wanted to do (sewing, crafting, singing) and all those years of chaos, have suddenly snuck up behind me and started whispering, "look at all you've missed out on". Its disgusting, I know this life I have is absolutely the most incredible thing I could wish for. But sometimes....sometimes, when life is absolutely going crazy, and I feel like I suck at it all, I think, "I'm only twenty four, and our marriage has been in this perpetual forward speed race, and...I wish I could just go back to no kids sometimes."
Does that confession make you cringe? It makes me. Unfortunately its been a persistent thought though...and I need to re gather myself I think. Come to terms with this crazy life and let my mind and soul wrap itself around the definitiveness of it all. That this is INDEED my life henceforth, and it will be insane and perpetually fast and not the slow lazy days of living, that those not in ministry can be granted. This is my life. God has called me to it, and I have chosen it. So now, I must give myself to it.
Does any of this make sense?
Basically, I've been struggling. And that didn't come out in my blog, which made me think, is blogging just vanity? This sort of boasting of networking sorts? Look how good a mum I am? Look at what I wife I am? I think it was for me, it was me trying to look like I had it all together, and I don't. And I don't want to be that person, I want people to hear ME in my life, not what I hope to be, or WHO I'm trying to become, but just hear where I'm at. I think, hearing that someone else isn't doing perfectly, helps everyone around sort of sigh a great big relieved sigh of "good, I'm not the only one barely treading water around here."
God Is a good good God, and I haven't been giving him enough of my time...so, I will take my blogging bow for now, and begin to fight this personal battle, and when I feel like I'm at a better place, and I can indeed be that good mother, sweet wife, happy Sophie that I know I can be...I will return with stories of pioneering, (we have a building!) and pictures of darling little rug rats, and all sorts of things. But now, my mind is cluttered and my heart is a little broken with the realization that I may never get to do those things I would've done, had I never had children or gone off to pioneer a church. And so in that, I must redirect my dreams and let Gods plan for me, become a joyful, happy dream of mine. Not one that makes me cry with its heaviness, and fills me with a horrible self pity for not being able to just worry about myself. Somehow, I must fall in love with the chaos and uncertainty of what I am doing, and let myself fall into the arms of a very gracious God. And right now, I'm sort of dragging my feet in the sand, and barely making an effort, and thats wrong. So off I go...I'll return. Thats a promise.
(here's some pics for fun)