Monday, June 7, 2010
Revision
Really quick...I just have to clarify, I absolutely Do not, or ever did feel like any of the delightful blogs I read, are boasting or bragging or anything like that. Simply, its what I felt like I was doing. Patti, Danielle, Anne, Steph...I read your blogs (and will everyday) and just KNOW you are most definitely the women portrayed in your voice etc. In fact (Patti!) I hope to be like you guys, I adore your personalities and your ability to mother your children well. Patti...you are and always have been a hero of sorts to me, I don't doubt life gets hectic for you, but you are indeed a magnificent woman. I cannot describe it really, except that my respect for you is not really something that can fit inside words. Your children are incredible, smart, saved...and that only happens when children have very very good parents. I honestly need a break, so I can try to get my life on that same path you have yours on...you blow me away, and you don't make me feel badly about myself, except to say, Soph, strive harder. And I will.
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I think I understand where you are coming from. I had a revelation a few weeks back- just about my role as a mother, Christian, etc. I think when you become a mom your life becomes consumed. It really is not your own. All of a sudden reading your bible is a miracle in itself. Prayin and reading your bible?!?! That's like maybe heaven itself! I hit this brick wall a few weeks back just w/ the revelation of who I am in Christ. God really really helped me through it. I wrote it all out - send me your email address and I'll send it to you if you want to see the real side of me! (:
Sometimes I grieve being a mom of 3 so quick. I want to savor those moments when you're 9 months pregnant, going from a mom of one to a mom of two. Savoring those last few days... enjoying Natalee and me time, right before I give birth to her sibling we've been eagerly awaiting for 9 months. Instead I became instant mom - I never knew that the next day I would never have a day to be a mommy of one again. Not that I don't want to be a mommy of 3. Of course I do - but I do feel like I missed out a bit. And then I move past that feeling and I'm ok and I 'm happy and I love my girls more and more each day and I'm so grateful that Natalee has siblings so very close in age to her. But that doesn't mean that I didn't have that glimpse of grieving for what I didn't get to experience. And I think that's ok. Just like it's ok what you are going through. Feelings are real and we just can't help that we are human. There are many a days where i want to vent on my blog. I am very guarded there because of certain people who I feel had already a negative impression of my foster kids so I don't want to feed that flame... so i tend to hide the negative on my blog and focus on the postive - but that's ok for me too - because I really want my blog to be about documenting the milestones of my kids, the cute things they say etc. and not so much day to day life neccesarily. I guess we as moms are just way too hard on ourselves. I think I annoy my husband w/ how I constantly critcize myself for not having it together every minute of the day. YOU have a HARD job. You know it. I know it. but people who don't live it every day don't quite know just how hard it is. If I can reassure you.. it WILL get easier. When I first got the girls I didn't know howI was going to make it day to day. I really didn't know. But now it is so much better. SO MUCH better. I know I don't have a baby -that is doubly hard - but she will grow. Don't miss it! (:
Ok I know I rambled on and on. You don't have to publish this comment if you don't want to - I don't know if you moderate them or not. But I just wanted to tell you that you are normal and it's ok. i really had to pull back from internet use for a season because it was just a distraction for me and such an addiction.
I hope you find a place of contentment through this process. I am praying for you. Can't wait to see you in a couple weeks!
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