Friday, August 26, 2011

The Mailey bird has left the nest

Monday was Mailey's first day of kindergarten. I knew it would be a weird letting go feeling, but our lives are hectic, everyday is sort of this rat race to the finish line. I mean seriously, sometimes I feel like we never ever stop, even my dreams can get scattered and fast, I knew this day was coming but I hadn't really thought about how quickly it was approaching.And then suddenly, as if magic sprinkled itself over the time I thought I had, we were at the very last weekend before I handed Mailey over to be taught by someone else. A complete stranger in fact. And after that first day, she would be riding the bus to school...such an eerie feeling watching her walk onto that big yellow bus...I wanted so bad to take her to and from every day, but her school is about 16 minutes away, and so we really couldn't afford to drive it twice with much trepidation I signed that little form...and with huge tears in my eyes walked her onto that bus at seven thirty Tuesday morning and begged the driver to be safe...she probably thought I was paranoid..which I am...but back to that first day...
I got her ready for bed early, which was new, our bed time has been a hopeful nine thirty area...but now that she would need to be ready by 7:20am, our new bedtime was 8pm, we hurriedly took bath's, laid out the first little outfit, said a prayer, took a video, then it was night nights and the morning came too soon.
I got up early that day, and prayed for Mailey and really, for me. Was I ready to do this? I dressed the little sleepy head, made blueberry waffles, and we were off to get daddy so he could come too.
Mailey was accepted into one of the most established and sought after charter schools in our county. Forest Ranch Charter. Its a school that really just adheres to a very traditional educational structure, the three R's if you know what I mean. So I couldn't have been more excited, because I don't about you, but I really am not structured enough or patient enough to home school our children.

So, we walked her in and watched as she lined up with her class outside for the very first morning assembly outside. My little girl put her right hand over her heart and said the pledge of Allegiance, she watched intently as the director explained the school year and my heart literally was aching. I was prepared to feel sad, but I was NOT prepared for the intensity of this one emotion that was tugging and piercing my heart...remorse.
I was filled with this deep sadness and longing to go back five years...and just soak her up and capture, really capture and experience each moment.
Had I loved her enough? Had I been patient enough? Did I cherish her while she was still only mine? I don't feel like I did...our lives here have been crazy, I had three in three years, and so inevitably my oldest was pushed to be the example, pushed to learn the rules, pushed to kind of grow up quickly so mommy could deal with the babies that were behind her.
I was watching my still-so-little, Mailey Anne; watching her soak in this new thing, her eyes deep in concentration, her little mind grasping new rules and concepts and I wanted to grab her and run, run far back into time and start over. I wanted to beg God, "please, give me the last year back and I promise I 'll really enjoy her, I won't be so needy for a break from them, I won't tell her to just give me some space, I'll snuggle all day, I'll make cookies and sing songs, I'll let the house go to bunk and just play and make daisy chains, I promise I will, please just give me another year!"
But the cruelty of time, is that it is ever marching forward without one mistaken pause, not a single accidental hiccup, just a constant forward march that leaves us pining and hoping for a chance to reverse it.

Mailey, I hope I did enough. I hope you knew you were loved so much. I hope you had fun while I was still your only teacher. I hope beyond hope....
because now, like water, I see you, all baby's hair and dimpled elbows, slipping through my desperate grasp. Now someone else gets to influence you, and now you come home and I feel you changing. For five years you were only mine to mold and its breaking mama's heart to let that go. But its good for you, good for you to play with other kids, good for you to learn how to sit still, good for you to not constantly be with mommy who doesn't have the ability to just focus on you...its been good for all of us. But I miss you, I miss you so much...I can't explain it very well, but I found this picture that really says what I'm feeling..

My first born...the one who knows what my heart sounds like best. Because after all, you were my first everything. I learned how to really love with you, I learned how to sacrifice everything with you, I learned how to be so loved back with you. I learned how to stop and breath with you, I learned how to be silly and let adulthood go with you, I learned how to dream and imagine with you. First you. Just you. 

See you soon love.

That is just a quick little video montage of all the clips we took of Mailey's first big day, for the next week I will post one entire clip daily...


aly win said...

welp im officially soaked ! i seriously bawled this post just made me ... like extremely emotional. oh how i love our kids .. and oh how i hateee how fast time is flying by. Miles looked so cute for school. i love her back pack and those cute outfits ! aww her long hair ... its all beautiful. I LOVE YOU MILES ! do good in school obey your teacher make lots of friends and set an excellent example of how great us jesus freaks are !

mrmeadowlark said...

Sounds like you got a good school, the pledge and everything.... I have decided that if Jesus tarries and one day blesses me with a wife and kids, I will send the kids to Christian School even if I have to work until my fingers bleed to do so. Between 13 years in our local public school system, and now working in it for the past 4, I am not impressed.

BaNaNa said...

Hey Sophie,
As I read this I had tears running down my face becuase I wonder from the parents perspective how it really feels to leave your kids with people like me. As I teach these kids daily, I see that I have so much responsibility for each individual student. I can't believe that Mailey is already so grown up. I miss you guys.

lacy myers said...

Oh Sophie. This made me cry. You put into words exactly how I'm feeling about this whole thing. Our babies are getting so big. I wish we could freeze time. I'll probably be calling you on the 6th when Sophie has her first day. Love you.

Anonymous said...

That first day of Kindergarten is the toughest thing! Definitely heart-wrenching . . . whatever you do, make sure your influence is #1 above all the other influences that will crowd in and try to make their mark on her. She has that beautiful strong will of hers and that insatiable curiosity . . . she will do exceedingly fine! Treasure every moment. The years fly by!!! All my love,

Grammy Zhanette

Bethany said...

Awww Sophie!! I'm sitting at home by myself and boy am I glad for that because I was bawling! I can't imagine the feeling! We love and miss you guys! :) Praying strength for you everyday as you put your oldest on that bus! :)


Audrey McMillan said...

WOW!!!! Thats so CRAZY!!! my mom said to tell you she cried