Gypsy cloth

The church.. It's a sea of shipwrecks and broken boards. tattered souls, little pieces of gypsy cloth all sewn together in a patchwork quilt; a beautiful wonderful mess and all that pieces it together is the golden thread that is Jesus. At least that's how it should be. We are not all one in the same we are ebbs and flows we are highs and we are terrible lows we are outsiders and insiders we are a kaleidoscope of stories whose single thread is Jesus Christ. I do not look like you, you do not look like me we are different.. our eyes don't see the same things our hearts don't feel the same things.. our minds don't think the same things,we are different. But He binds us together so that I can see you and you can see me and we can love each other

Announcing Brennan Thomas

Born June 1st of 2012 at 7:40 in the morning...little boy Brennan came to stay. Tis' true love already indeed...
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.  ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Lessons in logic with Emry Adysson

If you read this blog then you know little Emry Adysson is quite the practical thinker. No outside thinking for this one.
A few days ago we were driving around town and Emry was staring out the window deep in thought..finally she asked a question and the most hilarious conversation ensued.
Em: "Mom, do squirrels poop?"
Me: "Um, yes"
Em: "Does everything poop?"
Me: "yes"
Em: "Do flowers poop?"
Me: "uh no, plants don't poop silly"
Em: "Then what poops?"
Me: "uh...everything that moves"
Em: "Does our van poop?"
(okay, i'm like really laughing by now, this girl!)
Me: "nope, good point, our van does not poop."
Em: "So what poops mom?"
Me: "You tell me Em..."
Em: "EVERYTHING WITH A BUTT MOM!"
(she said this with that total DUH! voice that only children can do)

I mean seriously, it was a battle of wits and I lost...to a four year old. It killed me. Pardon the excessive use of the word poop, we don't really believe in good manners around here. heehee!

Reagan turned twooooooo!

This is a little late, but! Reagan turned the lovely age of two on February 24th! My parents were able to come down for the weekend and we had seriously, one of the most cherished birthday parties ever. I've come to realize that I'm just not a themed, birthday blow out type of mum. I used to really beat myself up over my lack of birthday cake making abilities, the total lack of streamers and matched gift bags etc...but I'm just not that girl. I love a sort of rustic cake, I love earthy, organic little decor, but mostly...mostly, I love just having everyone who I love all coming together and eating good food and having sweet fellowship. And thats what we did, I made a big pot of the best ever pork carnitas (seriously, I just do it in the crock pot and they have never failed me) Add another crock pot of homemade beans, and some flour tortillas and we were golden. Oh! did I mention our very own Lupe made Spanish rice and the most amazing pico de gallo I have ever had, like ever?! yeah, she did.
We ate and it was loud and busy and so warm and just...I don't know, perfect. Then we finished with a homemade tres leches (once again, this recipe is a bit time consuming but absolutely to die for)
I will post pics of the amazing birthday present John made for her as soon as it gets a bit sunnier here. It will knock your socks off...I was pretty darn impressed.
I threw in a few more tribute videos for the little Reaganizer as I so fondly call her. The first is a video we sent John while he was at work, she was being so sweet...I love when she sings "As the deer"....she says "you alone are me hearts..." my little worshipping pirate.
the next one was taken this morning at breakfast. Reagan is obsessed with Annie. As in the musical. She saw it at church in nursery and now sings the Sandy song (dumb dog! why are you so alone dog!) etc, but the best part? when she mimicks a scene where the evil Mrs. Hannigan is putting the moves on a police officer and a little orphan girl mocks her with " kissy kissy kissy" inciting Mrs. Hannigan to scream shut up!
Reagan does it verbatim. And although its not ideal to have a two year old yell shut up...its pretty stinking hilarious.
Here you have it!

Final days

As you know, I spent last weekend seeing my grandma one last time before she went home to be with Jesus. I don't feel like expounding much, it was a private time and all at once cathartic and painfully heartbreaking. however, I have to share a few videos and pictures.
My Grandma has a malignant brain tumor right behind her eyes, and as it grows she diminishes. Its hard to accept and see God's grace there, but then...
When I first saw her she was disoriented and rambling, I was shocked to say the least. I hadn't realized how much the tumor had taken from her already. She would get increasingly agitated and repeat things over and over, almost as if she had early dementia. But one thing I remembered as I sat there holding her hand, trying to find my Grandma that I knew, is that she loved to wake up every morning with my grandfather and sing worship songs to Jesus and pray...so I asked her if I could sing to her. And as we sang, her mind came back, her smile came back, the anxious rambling ceased and there was a sweet tangible presence of God that said, "I'm still here, I still care, I haven't forsaken her now."
Those songs, the same three, will probably always have the ability to bring tears to my eyes now because of their meaning to me and my time with her. To see my mama hold her mama, tears in her eyes and praising Jesus, it hurt so badly and brought such peace at the same time. God has loved my Grandma, and in her last days, he hasn't left her, his presence hasn't gone, if anything He's more present than ever. Its speaking his word, speaking to Him, worshiping Him that brings peace to her...and I am so grateful I got to see that, and feel the love of an amazing God so tangibly near me.
I love you mama, and I love you Nanan Biha...Hu Guaiya hao.

(sorry my video is a little blurry and hard to hear, it is basically me praying for my Grandma before I said goodbye for the final time, I don't want to forget it)

Hu guaiya hao Nanan Biha...

( I don't have a picture of my grandma here, but really this post is for my own mum)

The week before conference, I was in church praying and my phone rang. It was my mum. 
Just a few weeks earlier she had told me that my grandmother had had a seizure and that she was being flown to the states for a biopsy because they suspected a brain tumor. I remember being struck with worry, if you've ever had this moment happen you know the feeling. Its a cold snake in your belly that scares you, you suddenly wish beyond all hope, that this isn't real. Maybe its a weird dream...but you hear the quiet, deep worry in your mothers voice and know in fact, this is real.
I remember exactly what went through my mind when I saw her name on my screen; I had been irritable with the kids and was annoyed when my phone rang because I was pretty sure it was a lady calling for a ride who torments me to no end...I sighed loudly and picked up my phone and saw my mama's name. I knew she was in San Diego with my grandmother and I almost couldn't answer. What if my grandma had gone? I answered and I knew immediately something was wrong...my mother holds her emotions so well, always the strong one. And I could hear the almost breathless tone of someone trying not to cry. My grandmothers tumor was malignant...also not treatable. She had about 4-6 months left with us...could we pray? I remember talking a bit more then hanging up and suddenly tears were in my eyes and my heart was racing, its a strange pain. 
I have only seen my grandmother a handful of times, but she has been the only grandparent I have known. My nanan biha. My beautiful chammorita grandma who had nine babies and lives for her Lord.
This next week I will be going to see her, and to ultimately say goodbye. It wrenches my heart to know that, I keep avoiding thinking too much about it because there is just no way to prepare myself for moment when we both realize I am saying goodbye for now...until heaven nanan biha. 
Through all this, my mother has had to wrap her mind around losing her mother. I've heard the grief in her voice, the struggle as she tries to not worry while she is away, her mother always on her mind. How do you prepare to lose the woman who gave you so much? How to come to terms with that?
In this time, my mum has started a blog for her mama, letters from her heart. And it has really impacted me on such a deep level. My mother's childhood was not a perfect one, in fact if you've heard her testimony there were some awful things that happened, and in all this, my grandmother is struck by this horrible condemning guilt as she realizes she is going home. My mum is always mentioning how tormented my grandmother is by the past, wishing it would've been different and does she have enough time to make sure everyone knows how sorry she is? And it hurt me so much to think in these final days, my grandmother is not at peace. but what began to really hit me is just how gracious our God is.
You see, my grandmother really got saved about 30 years ago, her son had been murdered but he had just gotten really saved, and his life started a revival in my mama's family. And so begins the grace of God, Joel 2:25 " so I will restore to you the years that the swarming locusts has eaten"
I know that there were some terrible hurts that happened before I knew my Grandma, but oh precious Lord, how that time has been redeemed.
In her years with Jesus, there is now a legacy so different than the one that haunts her. My Grandmother is a beacon in my mind, she is a pillar of what a Godly woman is. She is the one who prayed with the man who murdered her son after she extended her forgiveness to him in prison. She is the one who sings every morning with my grandfather, as they worship together and wait on God. She is the woman who loves deeply, everything about Jesus Christ, the woman who lives a life full of God. There is no dark spot on her reputation with her grand kids, no ugly scar to remember. The time before Christ was turned in at the altar, and given back to her spotless and renewed. And that is who I know now, this woman of God that I love so dearly, who's favorite scripture is Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?"
Grandma, nanan biha, you've done that. You have done what the Lord would require of you. And it has left an inheritance for your grandchildren who love you.
As I have read my mothers letters, I have realized the sweet grace that is in her words. The gentle ushering of forgiveness, as someone begins to journey on, that they need to hear so badly. And I am reminded every time, that there is powerful, cleansing, healing power in the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. A hue of perfect white, only the Master knows the color of, and only He can give it. But give it he does. And now, as it is my mothers heart, and she reminds her own mother there are no wounds here...it is almost heartrendingly painful, but so tender to read the words of a daughter walking her mother home to heaven.
I love you Grandma. Hu guaiya hao Nanan Biha.

Hola! from the absentee blogger...

Holy smokes..I wonder if anyone will even read this. It's been FOR.E.VER. I wish I had a really good explanation for my lack of blogging, but sadly there is none. I just didn't feel like it!
So much has happened since my last post, and really it was just a lot all at once and I just didn't feel like adding a blog to the mix. BUT! I'm getting back into my groove (for now) and want to update you guys!

So...where to start..here's a pic of me and my crew..yes the angle makes Reagan's head look super long and she might also have some snot in this shot..sigh. some of you are saying uh Soph we know some pretty awesome news you need to share...for those of you who might not know what I'm alluding to...

BAM! that my friends is a very cheesy photo (HA!) of my 24 week baby bump! and its full of this little guy

yup. got an alien in there. juuust kidding, but it is indeed a little mister. I'll hafta tell you the story about the day I found out. Its pretty sweet...some other day though.

I've had a phone with a cracked screen for six months now, our contract was pretty much up and getting a new phone would mean renewing a 2 year contract, because obviously, our commercial industry is full of weird socialist Nazi's who want your soul. ahem..sorry. But seriously, we just didn't want to do the contract route. Unfortunately, its a really tempting option when you realize that with our quickly advancing technology, an iPhone 3 is now free with a contract. free. i'm serious. because they're like, sooo outdated now.

So my amazing husband, got me an iPhone. Its like finding the long lost best friend I never knew I needed. Its pretty bad. I have an addiction. I mean c'mon! Have you seen how many FREE apps there are?!? its amazing! oh brave new world indeed....

So, with this addiction I have also discovered my phone has a pretty rockin' camera, and instagram has really rocked my world...here's some pictures of the lil' monsters.

This last one of Emry makes me smile. she is so her daddy's girl; if you know John at all, this is a classic John foley face. She was making weird faces and I asked her to just smile normal, and this is the reaction I got. classic.

Pretty cute pictures eh?

Oh! and if you have an iPhone, look up the voxer app. Its pretty much the greatest thing to happen to me. It turns your phone into a walkie-talkie. Am I stuck in fifth grade? possibly. Buts its totally rad dude. 

I spend too much time talking with this crazy...

ha! oh I love you Aly...voxing with you is like my morning cup of coffee. from starbucks of course.

okay..well...hopefully I'll blog more soon, we start revival with Chris aulson next week, and all hell has broken loose on our family, church families etc...its been pretty astounding to tell the truth. This revival must pack some pretty serious punch, because as Sam Rice says, I can tell God is real by how very real the devil is in my life. so true.

Pray for us! and pray for my mum...her mama has been diagnosed with an untreatable, malignant brain tumor and suddenly we only have a few months left with her. I will be traveling to San Diego to say goodbye..which hurts my heart so much. But I will save that for another post.

someone comment please!!! let me know you still believe in me!!!

Orange poppies

For every pioneering pastor's wife...or lonely sad mama...go here, read this.

Praying for a miracle!!

So! I promise I'll post more about Mailey's first day, but really quick...We've been looking for a house for over a year now. We've lived in an apartment for two years and man oh man...I vow to never live in one again while my children are young. We have gorgeous, spacious three bedrooms, and I am so grateful for that, BUT! there is no yard for children to run amuck in, nowhere to expend their seemingly endless energy, unless I am outside as well. And to be frank, I have no desire to spend hours upon hours outdoors watching children play...I have things that need to be done. But housing in Chico is astronomical. Because of the 20k+ students that live here for half of the year, most landlords charge by the room. Well....we are a single income family so that really doesn't benefit us at all.
In the last year I have found two other homes that fit what I was looking for...I have never found new homes appealing...I love old country style homes with their nooks and crannies, wood floors and solid walls...the deep attics and well placed cupboards...the character and charm of home that was intended for living in...I love it. And those homes are abundant in Chico, but at a hefty cost. Most two bedrooms of the old century style homes, run for about 1300/mo. I don't know about you, but I might as well just pay my own mortgage at that rate.
But we don't have interest in being tied down to a home or hudnreds of thousands of dollars of debt right now..so renters we shall be.
The first home was huge and mysterious, but the owner needed us to move in asap and we still had about 8 weeks on our lease...that home still calls my name when I drive by...it was so private and full of mystery...the second one, was darling and cozy and the lady pretty much agreed to rent it to us, but then backed out last minute and decided to rent through a property management company, sending the rent up about $300...I was so discouraged at this point and decided to give up.
But I couldn't get over how caged I felt in an apartment, How much I hated walking out my front door to be greeted by smoking college boys, a neurotic and crazy old lady who thought angels and demons sat on buildings, and the constant tap tap of neighbors walking overhead...I wanted my flaming space dang it! whoo..sorry...
Then on saturday I was looking through craigslist and saw a house that somehow I had missed, a three bedroom home in the avenues (the avenues are the central streets of Chico, where all the original homes were built). It had a wood stove and wood floors...and to make it even more darling...it had a playhouse built in the back that matched the house...AND a giant storage, like enough to convert half into an office. They were asking? $925. I immediately thought, this is a scam...but I emailed the owner any way and explained our situation and why we were here.
She called back literally 20 minutes later and offered to show it to me that day even though the last tenant had only moved out the day before and it was still un-ready to be shown. John and I went over and immediately I was in love...John and I both really liked the owners, they are christians, both teachers and they just had a genuine, honest feeling to them. Furthermore they respected the choice John made to be a pastor and so were willing to negotiate the rent down even more if that would help us be able to live there.

Guys...we need this. And I'm asking you sincerely to pray that God moves their hearts in their favor. They will call our references, and make their decision this week. Because of the price, they have had a lot of interest, and they are settling for a lower profit if they choose us. Of course we would be grateful tenants who would absolutely care for their home and make this investment worth their while...but we need God to show this to them and give them assurance we would be a good fit.

will you pray with us? The longer I am a Christian, the more I know that their is power in prayer...so please, please, if you think of it...pray that we have favor in this situation...it would satisfy my whole soul to have a house to be my creative, weirdo, artsy self in...

thank you.

The Mailey bird has left the nest

Monday was Mailey's first day of kindergarten. I knew it would be a weird letting go feeling, but our lives are hectic, everyday is sort of this rat race to the finish line. I mean seriously, sometimes I feel like we never ever stop, even my dreams can get scattered and fast paced...so, I knew this day was coming but I hadn't really thought about how quickly it was approaching.And then suddenly, as if magic sprinkled itself over the time I thought I had, we were at the very last weekend before I handed Mailey over to be taught by someone else. A complete stranger in fact. And after that first day, she would be riding the bus to school...such an eerie feeling watching her walk onto that big yellow bus...I wanted so bad to take her to and from every day, but her school is about 16 minutes away, and so we really couldn't afford to drive it twice daily...so with much trepidation I signed that little form...and with huge tears in my eyes walked her onto that bus at seven thirty Tuesday morning and begged the driver to be safe...she probably thought I was paranoid..which I am...but back to that first day...
I got her ready for bed early, which was new, our bed time has been a hopeful nine thirty area...but now that she would need to be ready by 7:20am, our new bedtime was 8pm sharp...so, we hurriedly took bath's, laid out the first little outfit, said a prayer, took a video, then it was night nights and the morning came too soon.
I got up early that day, and prayed for Mailey and really, for me. Was I ready to do this? I dressed the little sleepy head, made blueberry waffles, and we were off to get daddy so he could come too.
Mailey was accepted into one of the most established and sought after charter schools in our county. Forest Ranch Charter. Its a school that really just adheres to a very traditional educational structure, the three R's if you know what I mean. So I couldn't have been more excited, because I don't about you, but I really am not structured enough or patient enough to home school our children.

So, we walked her in and watched as she lined up with her class outside for the very first morning assembly outside. My little girl put her right hand over her heart and said the pledge of Allegiance, she watched intently as the director explained the school year and my heart literally was aching. I was prepared to feel sad, but I was NOT prepared for the intensity of this one emotion that was tugging and piercing my heart...remorse.
I was filled with this deep sadness and longing to go back five years...and just soak her up and capture, really capture and experience each moment.
Had I loved her enough? Had I been patient enough? Did I cherish her while she was still only mine? I don't feel like I did...our lives here have been crazy, I had three in three years, and so inevitably my oldest was pushed to be the example, pushed to learn the rules, pushed to kind of grow up quickly so mommy could deal with the babies that were behind her.
I was watching my still-so-little, Mailey Anne; watching her soak in this new thing, her eyes deep in concentration, her little mind grasping new rules and concepts and I wanted to grab her and run, run far back into time and start over. I wanted to beg God, "please, give me the last year back and I promise I 'll really enjoy her, I won't be so needy for a break from them, I won't tell her to just give me some space, I'll snuggle all day, I'll make cookies and sing songs, I'll let the house go to bunk and just play and make daisy chains, I promise I will, please just give me another year!"
But the cruelty of time, is that it is ever marching forward without one mistaken pause, not a single accidental hiccup, just a constant forward march that leaves us pining and hoping for a chance to reverse it.

Mailey, I hope I did enough. I hope you knew you were loved so much. I hope you had fun while I was still your only teacher. I hope beyond hope....
because now, like water, I see you, all baby's hair and dimpled elbows, slipping through my desperate grasp. Now someone else gets to influence you, and now you come home and I feel you changing. For five years you were only mine to mold and its breaking mama's heart to let that go. But its good for you, good for you to play with other kids, good for you to learn how to sit still, good for you to not constantly be with mommy who doesn't have the ability to just focus on you...its been good for all of us. But I miss you, I miss you so much...I can't explain it very well, but I found this picture that really says what I'm feeling..

My first born...the one who knows what my heart sounds like best. Because after all, you were my first everything. I learned how to really love with you, I learned how to sacrifice everything with you, I learned how to be so loved back with you. I learned how to stop and breath with you, I learned how to be silly and let adulthood go with you, I learned how to dream and imagine with you. First you. Just you. 

See you soon love.

-mama

That is just a quick little video montage of all the clips we took of Mailey's first big day, for the next week I will post one entire clip daily...

Adventures with Reaganizer and Em-deezy

Mailey started school this Monday, and I really should be blogging about it...but when I finally do it I know I will cry and cry just typing through that day. It was surprisingly, waaaaaaayyy more emotional for me than I had expected...but look for it tomorrow k? SO! instead...here's a fun little video of Emry and Reagan rough housing during the day. They're becoming so much closer now that Em doesn't have Mailey to play with....definitely bitter sweet.

Adventures with Potty Mouth and Diva

I think those are going to be my new monikers for the older two. I mean seriously...the things that come out of those two mouth's, its ridiculous. Hmm...lets start with the potty mouthed Emry...

She's pretty cute right? Earlier this week, she was um, sittin' on the potty and she came out after a long while  and said "WHEW! I really had to go the the bathroom mom, and my tummy was just really hurting and it melted my poop!"

Yup. girlfriend had diarrhea. Ick, I know...but her logic and the fact that she even thought about why her poo was different just killed me. what a weirdo that child is...

Next...we have this little teenager, er, I mean FIVE YEAR OLD. Mizz Mailey Anne..on thursday we were driving down to the giant farmers market to do some outreach when Mailey piped up from the back of the van in a very decisive and matter of fact voice stated the following.

"Mom when I turn into a teenager I'm going to make you crazy and drive you up the wall."

John and I just looked at each other for a moment in disbelief then proceeded to crack up and inform her we were NOT very keen on that little prophesy and she should in fact re-direct her ambitions..gooooood grief, that girl makes me crazy..

And there you have it...a pretty typical day with these two lovelies.

Hope you're all having a good weekend...do something fun this week with your kiddo's! Mailey starts kindergarten next week! Can you even stand it?! OH MY!

Oh I need a boy

This picture says it all

I LOVE IT!!!!

It's a small world after all...

My heart is so full and aching right now...I can't wait to see Mailey and Emry after a week of them being gone...where have they been you ask?
Well....quick! Go check HERE to find out!!!!! Go! Go!
And in case you need more prompting...Here are a few pictures to wet your appetite...Go look through the last four posts...they'll give you a giant dose of joy to get through your day!

Take a deep breath

Last week was so amazing, we spent it at the prescott conference and it impacted me so much. It was also our very first conference without any children!! Okay, I seriously thought I was going to miss them horribly, but truth be told, and much to my chagrin, I didn't miss a'tall....seriously, besides the occasional pang of sadness I was really, REALLY, thankful to have time without them, so I could just hear a sermon (for once) and not do nursery, not feel the pressure off setting up a service, not try to snap out of mommy mode and into wife mode..(if you know what I mean).
My parents, who are superheroes, came ALLL the way down to chico, picked up the girls and went alllll the way back up to McMinnville...my mom took the week off and the girls had a jam packed week of fun...but then,  it was back to reality for all of us.
I was obviously very happy to see my little monsters (er darling little wonders) again but man oh man, they are loud and chaotic and needy and well...children. So monday I was exhausted and spent the day unpacking/cleaning etc...then tuesday came around and man...I was ready to ship those kids back to papa and nana's house.
Do you ever find yourself at the end of the day, realizing you've spent it frustrated and upset with the kids, all you can hear is your own voice scolding and scolding and sighing all the live long day? You go to bed feeling like you've just failed as a mother, you suck at being patient, you suck at teaching them anything good, you just suck. sorry if thats a naughty word in your house, it really just fits the bill when it comes to how I felt.
I got up tuesday and it resumed, the scolding and trying to clean around the messy small children, and finally, I stopped. I stopped and looked at those big brown eyes, and realized, the house will always need cleaning, the children will always need schooling and scolding, the laundry will magically keep reproducing and I will never feel like everythings done. BUT! I will miss these days with the kids, as long and stressful as they seem, they will fly and they will be days that I will look back on and wish I had savored.
So at eleven thirty, I packed a lunch, I threw my hair up, and off we went. To explore and picnic the chico creek, to catch little fishies in the stream and learn how to skip rocks across the water....and I loved it...It was gorgeous and relaxing. I was struck by a thought as I soaked in the trees and the beautiful plants and birds, I watched the water flowing over time smoothed pebbles and stones...and I was struck by how, despite the glorious beauty all around me, nothing struck me more, gripped my heart and soul so completely, as my little children, these three small wonders running their fingers through flowing water, skipping rocks across a glassy pond, sinking their toes in the deep deep mud. To quote the famous Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice fame, "you have bewitched me body and soul". And they have and do...
Here's the pictures from those happy two hours..